Bumpy ride

I skyped with my family today, and if I remember correctly, this is the 6th time I've skyped with them ever since I got here in London. Maybe they are starting to forget my existence, albeit depressing, but I still love them. Hah, the former was a joke of course except for the I love them part which is of the utmost truth :D It's just that they aren't the "skyp-ish" type of people I guess?

Anyway, when I was video-calling happily with my mom and sis a while ago, I told them about my intention to travel during winter, to Belgium. My dad overheard it and he replied harshly :"So you think you have lots of money to travel now?? Save some money!!" I said :"No, but I just want to go around while I still can, I mean that's the reason why I wanted to come here in the first place."

"You have 3 years there! Why the hurry? Save up some money first okay!", he answered.

"But I'm not using your money, it's not like I'm asking money from you." It was a spontaneous reply as a result of frustration, and that I believe, has turned the situation from bad to worse.

"YAYAYAYA, your OWN money, look WHO RAISED YOU for all these years." He walked away, pissed, leaving the entire conversation heated up and unpleasant. My mom, on the other hand, seems annoyed by my dad's comment, and told me that I can travel, as long as I know my budget and keep it within my limit.

Let's just say that the relationship between my mom and dad hasn't been that well in the past few years, definitely not the ideal wife-husband relationship you encounter in romance novels. It all boils down to a certain common issue - money. Yes. The root of all the problems that has caused us so much dismay and disgruntlement, all the arguments and hardship. I don't deny part of the main reasons why I wanted a scholarship so badly was because of this problem, for one, my parents cannot afford my tertiary education due to our financial circumstances, and two, I don't wanna burden them either.

So I thought they'll be in a better position judging that they now have 1 less child (or grown up, if you want to add) to feed. But no, it seems like things were not better off, mom is still working long hours just to pay the never ending bills and debts at this age, and dad, is....... well, I'll just phrase it as not generating much income to the family. They are still struggling for a better living, but the question lies herein, when is "better" going to come? My mom's knee problem will eventually deteriorate if she continues to work like this, and I really hate to see her suffer at this age, especially when she is growing old. As for my dad, sometimes I just wish that he could do something, just something to ease the situation a little bit. Please note that I do not hold any grudge against my dad, it's just that sometimes I hope there's something he can do, even though I know he is trying hard everyday. Signs of aging and stress were portrayed by his loss in body weights and facial expressions, and he became a moody person because of this as well.

Recurring back to the conversation I had earlier, I started to reflect upon the words that my dad uttered earlier. I somewhat sensed his repetitive intention of asking me to save up so that I will be able to help to ease the burden of my family as a responsibility of a son, and not to spend lavishly on unnecessary expenditures, as such; traveling. But like I said earlier, it has been my dream to explore the world while I could and when I could. Of course, I know I could do all of these after I jump started my career and yada yada, but I'm a very materialistic and idealistic individual. When I know I can do this now, I want to do it, because I don't know what will happen in the future, hence I don't wanna give up the opportunity to materialize it now, and in this case is to make the best out of my university life to travel around the world. In fact, I have an aim to explore Europe as much as I could through out my 3 years here!

But. Baffled between the responsibility of being a son and the choice of realizing my traveling dream, it has come to my senses that I am nothing but a selfish bloke. It's a tough decision to make, I really want to travel, but I want to help as well. Question is, how much can I help financially? Maybe the mature reply would be, I should be a responsible son and help them through, rather than enjoying myself at the expense of their suffering. But, it's just hard for me as well. I have worked this hard to earn this opportunity...................

Up to this point, I think there has been adequate bombardment of thoughts from the morally me and the selfish me in my very own awesome brain, so I shall cease to elaborate any further.

I have never expected my life journey to be a smooth sailing one, in fact until now, I would still like to think that it's never smooth sailing for me. I thought when I got a scholarship, my life would be easy. It seems like there will always be something that is bothering you and prompting you with questions and decisions, and it's always hard for me to decide.

But please, just don't judge me after reading this post.